This World Is Truly Mad
by PyroFirePower
Summary: Lost behind the door, Riku dwells on everything he should have changed in the past, slowly being driven into insanity as he thinks about the one he can never have. [Oneshot songfic][RS]


**A/N: **Okay, this is my first time writing a Kingdom Hearts fic. I don't think it is that good or anything, but could you please tell me what you think? I don't like flames, but if you have some constructive criticism that can improve my writing I would be more than happy to read it. This is a one shot, and a song fic.

**Warnings: **Okay, I say the 'f' word once in here somewhere. There is a slight RikuxSora, but it really isn't that big. Riku just thinks about his love for Sora. Kind of angsty, but I'm not used to writing angst so it may not be good angst. Hey, I tried. I tried to make every in their character but both Riku and Mickey are OOC at times.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Kingdom Hearts or any of it's characters. I also don't own the song 'Mad World, by Gary Jules.

This is just stuff to understand some things in the fiction:

**This means the song.**

_This means thoughts._

**_This means emotions/words that Riku describes._**

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He had been wandering this way for some time now. He did not know how long, but those who kept an excellent track of time would say it had been three years, five months, sixteen days, and twelve hours. Though that was the precise amount of time that had went by. He, however, only knew it had been about three years.

**_Loneliness..._**

That is what he felt day by day, eating away at him slowly. He had one companion, but it was not the same as his long lost best friend. The one who he betrayed those three years ago. The one who he loved more than words. The one who never knew of his feelings, for they had been kept inside his heart, dwelling there until he felt ready to burst. His heart yearned for the other boy, wishing that right now he could see Sora's plump face and hold the true Keyblade master in his arms and never let him go. It would not matter if the boy was still in love with Kairi; all Riku wanted was forgiveness. He wanted more than anything to be accepted back into his old world with his old friends, it was too bad for Riku that his wish would never come true.

**_Power..._**

It is what had been offered to him. It is what he had taken so greedily, hurting the one he loved the most just for it. It was what had betrayed him, taking itself away from him when he obtained too much of it, getting used to having it there. Once he got it, he held onto it tightly, ready to give away anything just to keep it with him, and yet his own power had betrayed him and left him alone. He had been so used to it being there that once it was gone it felt like an empty place in his body. He was nothing more than a powerless child who had no one in the world.

**_Darkness..._**

This is what owned him now. He had been consumed by it, and now it was hard to think of anything that brought light into his mind. He could not even think of the one who owned his heart, but didn't know it. This one was so full of light, such goodness. Something he would never possess. This is something he hated, and yet adored at the same time.

**_Love..._**

He used to laugh at the thought of this emotion, thinking it was silly. That was until he had fallen for his wonderful, kind, and amazing best friend. When exactly he had fallen, he did not know. It hurt to feel this way, especially because his friend was in love with another. This other deserved to be with his love more than he did. He often wondered what he would do to touch his best friend's face once. He knew he would never love anyone like the way he loved him._ Sora... _He wondered about him all the time; hoping that where ever he was, he was happy. God knows he deserved it.

"Riku!" A familiar voice called, tearing him from his thoughts and sorrow. Riku was glad of this, knowing that dwelling in self pity would do him nothing. He hated feeling this way, but the horrible feeling of depression sunk into the depths of his soul, waiting for someone to take him out of it. He glanced up to see King Mickey was standing about five feet away. This was his companion; the one that he longed to be someone else.

"What?" He did not mean for that to sound as rude as it had, but that is just the way his tone tended to come out these days. It was as if his voice had molded into a rude, annoyed tone.

"Heartless are headed this way. We must move away from this area. They will be swarming by nightfall." Mickey's voice was serious, and Riku knew not to mess with a large group of Heartless. Though he had become quite skilled with his Dark Keyblade, he still couldn't handle a large mass of them.

Riku sighed, standing up. He really hated this place. It was dark all the time, and he was not sure how Mickey knew when it was day and when it was night. He gripped his Keyblade in his hand tightly, as if something would come and snatch it away. He twirled it around; preparing himself for anything that was coming.

It was the same thing every fucking day. They moved, fought Heartless, moved some more, fought more Heartless, then found a safe haven to rest in for the night. Riku grew tired of their constant pattern, and often found himself dwelling in sorrow over the gaining amount of loneliness he felt, the quantity of darkness that consumed his heart, and the loss of love and power.

The loss of love is what bothered him the most. Sora had never known of his feelings, and Riku regretted not telling him every day that he was stuck in this horrid world. He wish that he could somehow go back to a moment when he and Sora were alone and simply told him. He had been so scared of rejection then that he had never bothered. He took advantage of the time he had to tell Sora, and now it was too late. Though Riku was sure the Sora hated him now, he was determined to find him. He would not let himself die, like he found himself wanting to, until Sora knew his feelings. That was the last thing he felt he needed to do.

_I love you so much, if only you knew..._

Riku held back tears that he had been sustaining since that day when Sora had locked him behind the door. He would not cry, he was better than that. His pride had suffered too much, and the last thing he needed was to cry in front of Mickey. Not that Mickey was one to judge him for crying, but Riku would not cry in front of anyone. It was not in his nature.

Riku absently followed Mickey, getting lost in his thoughts once more. His eyes were on the ground, though he somehow knew exactly where he was going. It was always the same. This life, no matter how much Riku loathed it, he knew he deserved it. This was the punishment for all the stupid and terrible things that he had done those three years ago. For ever cruel word he had uttered to Sora, for swing he had taken at his best friend in battle, for every time he had taken Kairi away from Sora, keeping her out of reach because he knew that those two would fall in love if he did not keep them apart. For every pang of jealousy he received when he thought of Sora and Kairi together. He should not feel jealousy, after all, he did not deserve Sora. Why should he have the right to take away the brunet's love? He had not been fair, but then again he never was fair.

**All around me are familiar faces**

**Worn out places**

**Worn out faces**

Riku could hear a Heartless forming behind him. He turned, swing his Keyblade in the process, slashing the Heartless. He watched it disappear into the darkness, vanishing into the night. He looked up from where the small Heartless had just been and saw three more advanced Heartless approaching them. He felt no need to warn Mickey for he felt the skilled King already knew of their presence.

**Bright and early for the daily races**

**Going no where**

**Going no where**

The silver haired man felt all the anger he had been suppressing bubble up in his veins, making him feel furious. It all began with these creatures, these monsters made of Darkness. They are the things he wanted power to control. They are the things that used to obey him. He lunged towards them, not caring that he hadn't taking aim. His Keyblade missing the Heartless, he cursed while feeling a scratch form on his back. Not only had he missed, but the Heartless had struck him.

**Their tears are filling up their glasses**

**No expression**

**No expression**

Riku cringed slightly from the pain of the blow that the Heartless had given him, but recovered quickly. He could handle a simple scratch. Turning around, more fury surging through his body, he took aim at the Heartless; ready to perform a fatal blow. This Heartless had struck him, therefore it had to die. That was the way things were. Riku did not make the rules, but he was fully prepared to follow them. Killing heartless was all he had left now, slowly redeeming himself to be a better person; destroying heartless instead of controlling them. This was the path he should have taken long ago, and it was only after he had been stripped of his power that he realized the foolish mistake he had made.

**Hide my head I want to drown my sorrows**

**No tomorrow**

**No tomorrow**

His eyes narrowed, and he pounced forward, hitting the Heartless head on. He watched it fade away in death, or whatever the Heartless did after they were defeated. He glanced at one of the other Heartless that had tried to ambush him and Mickey, his eyes narrowing at it. _You're next._ Riku could easily see death in the future for many Heartless; he intended not to let one live if it ever got in his sight. One less Heartless; one less problem.

**And I find it kind of funny**

**I find it kind of sad**

**The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had**

This Heartless soon joined the fate of the previous one, and Riku found that he did not have to destroy the third one. Mickey had taken that job already. Riku knew he should be grateful, but he had all this anger that he needed to pour out. He approached the closest thing to him, which happened to be a pine tree, and he slashed at it, causing severe damage. He was so frustrated with himself, and before he knew what he was doing he was using all the energy he possessed to attack the tree. He kicked it, sliced at it, and pounded it with his free fist. He did not care at the moment how defenseless this tree was, he had to destroy something. Get rid of his anger in a way that did not lead back to the Darkness. He still had Darkness lurking in his heart, haunting him until the day he died, but he had to control it; keep it inside so it did not take him over again. Releasing frustration was all he had to prevent himself from letting loose, and this poor tree had now been forced to feel his wrath.

**I find it hard to tell you**

**I find it hard to take**

**When people run in circles it's a very very**

**Mad world**

**Mad world**

He soon collapsed against the tree, breathing deeply. He gazed down at all the damage he had caused to the innocent tree; damage that should have destroyed many Heartless. Riku knew his anger was his worst feature, and wished he had better control over it. So many bad things would not have happened if he had been able to maintain his emotions. The silver-haired adult now closed his eyes to block out the man large gashes he had created in the bark of the tree, inwardly hoping the large thing would heal in time, and forgive him for the damage. It may have just been a tree; there were many around them at the moment, but it was still a living thing, and for all Riku knew it could have had emotions just like him, only it could not move its branches without the help of the wind.

**Children waiting for the day they feel good**

**Happy birthday**

**Happy birthday**

Riku always dreamt of haunting eyes. They were like burning fire. Ansem always found a way into his dreams; troubling them; making them eerie. This drove him to the point where he despised sleep. He hoped that one night he could make it through a night without the presence of Ansem disturbing his long awaited sleep. No matter how many times he tried to convince himself that the white haired man was dead; Sora _had _killed him, he still could not shake the feeling that the man had left with him. He had been hurt by that man many times, and Ansem had also hurt Sora in battles. This caused hatred to dwell in Riku, hatred so strong the Dark Keyblade master believed it would never actually fade.

**And I feel the way that every child should**

**Sit and listen**

**Sit and listen**

He felt a small hand on his shoulder, and turned to see Mickey giving him a pitied look. This made Riku angry; he needed no one's pity. He shrugged Mickey's gloved hand from his shoulder, and stalked off in the direction they were going. He had let his rage get the best of him, and now Mickey was treating him like a five year old who was having a tantrum. He did not need this. He was eighteen, and wanted to be treated that way, even if he didn't always act his age.

**Went to school and I was very nervous**

**No one knew me**

**No one knew me**

Though Riku was not acting that way now, he had matured over this last three years. He no longer thought about getting more power; he was no longer driven by greed. Having his power stripped from him and being used by the Darkness had taught him an important lesson; never trust anyone. He did not even trust Mickey, who had been by his side for the past three years.

**Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson?**

**Look right through me**

**Look right through me**

Riku thought that the reason he was so distrustful of everyone was because he was incapable of trusting himself. How could he trust someone else when he did not trust himself? Once he let himself trust someone else, he could not guarantee that he would not betray the person he trusted. It had happened with Sora had it not? He had trusted Sora more than anyone else, and because he had ruined it all, he no longer could trust his best friend; the love of his life; the one he needed the most. Even though the boy had the gift of being incredibly honest, and having difficulty telling a lie to anyone, Riku knew that. The silver-haired man only hoped that Sora had not changed as much as he had in the past three years. The brunet was one of those people who Riku never wanted to change.

**And I find it kind of funny**

**I find it kind of sad**

**The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had**

Riku heard a rustle from behind him. Assuming that it was another Heartless that needed killing, he turned around, Keyblade out; ready to strike. Instead he saw...nothing. He glanced around, waiting for the Heartless to attack him. He saw a figure step out from behind a nearby tree. He gasped. This was no Heartless; this was his one, his only, his Sora.

"Sora?" He asked the boy, feeling unsure of believing. Something was not right. Sora looked the same as he had three years ago.

**I find it hard to tell you**

**I find it hard to take**

**When people run in circles it's a very very**

**Mad world**

The boy looked up at him, bright blue eyes meeting his aqua colored ones. "Riku?" His voice was the same. It was Sora; the one he loved so much it hurt.

He saw Sora running towards him, and he ran too, preparing to meet him in a strong embrace.

But it did not come.

His eyes remained open as he saw his beautiful Sora disappear beneath his fingers before he even had a chance to touch him. He looked around him, searching for his love.

"Where's Sora?" He muttered to himself, still glancing around.

"Riku? What's wrong? Did you see something?" Riku spun around, expecting to see his Sora but instead saw King Mickey, looking at him with a concerned expression.

That's when the horrible truth smacked Riku like someone had just taken his Keyblade from him and smacked his head; knocking the sense into him that was needed to discover what was really going on.

**Mad world**

Sora had never been there at all; Riku had just imagined him. Having been without his good friend for so long was starting to make the boy delusional. The silver haired warrior found all the hope inside him that had soared upon the sight of his dear Sora plunge deep into him. He was not there, he was not real.

_This isn't fair. _

He had truly believed for a second there that he was going to get the chance to hold Sora's body in his arms; confess his long awaited love; kiss Sora perfect plump lips, even if the brunet did not want him to. What he had wanted with all his might had seemed to come back to him, and now it was gone again.

Riku cursed his mind. Why did it play tricks on him like that? It hurt so much to realize that Sora was not there at all, but off somewhere else, doing something wonderful like saving someone or smiling. That, in Riku's mind, was the most wonderful thing Sora could ever do. His smiles were contagious; and Riku did not think he would ever be able to get enough of a Sora smile.

It hurt Riku so much to know he would never see that smile again. At least at the moment that was what he believed to be true. The man had given up all hope on having any kind of future with Sora. Given up on the fact that he might actually meet Sora again later than life. The hope of the silver-haired man was now gone, and Riku did not think it was ever coming back.

**Enlarging your world**

Riku felt a small tear slide down his cheek, and he wiped it away furiously. _Stop being a baby! _He yelled at himself, hitting his head. It was not right, this should not have happened. He should not have been thinking of Sora the way he had. The other boy would be utterly disgusted if he ever found out the filth that had once been his best friend was currently stuck behind the door, fighting Heartless constantly and dreaming of him in the off time.

**Mad world...**

This world was truly a mad one. It let Riku fall for Sora and never admit his feelings. It let Riku betray Sora, it let Riku fall into darkness. It let Riku imagine that Sora was there, standing before him and yet he was not. It let Riku feel as though he had no reason to live, except his love for Sora. It let Riku's heart break constantly, day by day. Every time he thought of Sora; which was nearly every second, of every minute, of every hour, of every day. Riku was stuck in this pattern of heartbreak, never to be let out until someone shows him pity and actually gives him the one he wants more than anything else in the world.

_What a mad world..._

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**A/N:** I hope it wasn't that bad. I truly didn't mean for it to be. I'm not used to writing anything that is angst, so it could very well be horrible. Just tell me please. I would really like to know what you though. R&R. Thanks for reading.

Please review! I really need some feedback on my writing to improve, so please tell me what you think I need to improve.


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